Capability – Ability to support identity through work and relationships
Struggle to maintain identity
...When I said [bipolar is] confusing, what I meant is it’s confusing in that I really don’t know who I am. I question every conversation in every social environment that I’ve been in. Did I say too much? Was I talking too fast? Was I really me? … I don’t really get to just be. It’s always judging.
A bipolar diagnosis affects identity from the internal experience of emotions and thoughts, as well as the external perception of the community. Participants often had difficulty differentiating thoughts and behaviors that were attributed to bipolar disorder from those that were attributed to neurotypical emotions and cognitions. For example, some participants described pursuing relationship or career goals during a manic episode, but having those goals dissipate with resolution of the manic episode. Another participant shared a story in which she surprised her daughter with cake and balloons and her daughter immediately questioned if this was a symptom of mania. Some participants discussed how they enjoyed mania and that treatment made them feel “boring.” Several participants shared the experience of others assuming they were “crazy” or dangerous based solely on the diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
Disruptions to employment
I've literally been fired from every job that was fire-able.
Almost all participants described disruptions in school and/or work. These disruptions not only happened during mood episodes, but also during periods of euthymia. Participants attributed employment difficulties to medication side effects on energy and cognition and the interference of monthly physician or weekly psychotherapy appointments. Some participants described having to take employment as skill levels below what they were qualified for or capable to perform. However, one participant used his experience with bipolar to develop a career, namely by becoming a peer support specialist.
Loss of relationships
… I lost everything. I lost my family. It was my nuclear family, my mom, that reported me to CPS < Child Protective Services>. I had lost that support system as well. I lost my husband, I lost my kids. Then with the divorce, I lost his family. I didn't have any friends. I just hit rock bottom.
Many participants reported difficulty with relationships, often attributed to behavior during mood episodes. Participants spoke of difficulty maintaining social networks of friends, romantic partners, and family. One participant perceived his symptoms would always be a barrier to maintaining social networks, and another participant shared his fear that he would be unable to start a family. Participants who had intact support emphasized the importance of family support to their well-being.
Unpredictable nature of bipolar disorder
“…out of the blue, all of a sudden after 15 years of really great stability, everything just
changed really. I don't know why.”
Participants struggled with the unpredictability of bipolar disorder and routinely talked about “stability.” Stability to some participants meant emotional stability, which leads to stable behavior, work and relationships. Other participants expressed that stability would be feeling “normal” and the absence of thinking about stability at all. Most participants believed stability arises from medication and psychotherapy, but more than one participant refused medication as they felt it worsened their quality of life.
Comfort – Reducing physical and mental suffering
Perception of diagnosis as indeterminate and unscientific
“Well something else is that it's not cancer. Or this is part of why it's hard to accept a bipolar
diagnosis because there's not a blood test. There's not a physical marker for ‘this is what it means to have bipolar disorder. You look at the symptoms, and then that determines whether or not you have it.”
Many participants found the nature of psychiatric diagnosis and the inconsistency of diagnosis among providers distressing and disconcerting. Many participants had been evaluated by multiple providers and received different diagnoses and treatment recommendations. Participants talked about currently having comorbid diagnoses of anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD. Some expressed frustration that providers did not clearly communicate the diagnostic process or criteria.
Social stigma - Lack of public awareness and education
It's like, "Hey, I have bipolar." And they want to get away from you. I'm not dangerous, but there's just the negative stigma attached to it.
Most participants experienced stigma in social and professional settings. Participants felt stigma impaired obtaining jobs and perceived that employers worried about disruptions to work. Some participants shared that family members refused to accept a bipolar disorder diagnosis of their loved one since they were not “crazy” or violent. Some participants expressed a wish for more public awareness about mental health conditions such as bipolar disorder to reduce the stigma.
The trials of medication
"These meds are making me sick. It's making this, and this, and this, and this happen. …And so, I just stopped taking the medication because I thought I was going to die.”
Many participants with bipolar disorder discussed antidepressant medication, typically prescribed prior to a bipolar diagnosis, worsening depression, or inducing mania. Participants experienced multiple medications trials due to ineffectiveness or side effects. Participants shared learning to accept side effects as preferable to mood episodes. Common side effects cited were impaired cognition, blunted emotions, and avolition. Some participants expressed that it could take months to find the medication regimen that was right for them. The potential side effects and unpredictability of medication regimens had both physical and emotional consequences and left many participants feeling an overall lack of support.
Calm – Healing and consistent providers
Dismissive doctors
I was confused about the diagnosis…how that related to me, how they [providers] could just give me medicine without offering any path to recovery. And then angry that they would do that.
Participants often felt that providers dismissed concerns about diagnosis and treatment. Some participants wanted more robust explanation and support at the initial time of diagnosis. Many participants noted that short appointment times limited the ability to address all concerns. Participants experienced limited choices or loss of providers due to insurance of lack of psychiatrists in the community. This lack of support and consistency made it difficult for many participants to find a long-term provider they could trust, a challenging proposition for a condition in which the care offered by providers is highly variable.
Finding the right psychotherapist
They're like, ‘Yep, you're bipolar. Here's medicines and a list of counseling services you can call.’ It's like six pages long, and all heavily waitlisted. And so, that was incredibly frustrating to call all of those numbers and get voicemails, and leave messages, and then weeks and months later get calls back.
Many participants found the process of finding an available psychotherapist difficult and confusing. Participants reported limited choices due to insurance and inadequate guidance from providers. The majority had an interest in psychotherapy and believed that therapy would be beneficial to their well-being. For those under-insured and/or lacking the time and resources necessary to find a therapist, securing regular care felt like a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.
Financial Burden
I don't think I can get my medications or therapy unless I am gainfully employed. I think I'm just going to be basically working to pay for my medications and my medical health treatment. That's why I think there's no hope for me in this country.
The cost burden impaired treatment by restricting access to psychiatrists, psychotherapists, or medications. Some participants reported that they could not afford tolerable and effective medication due to lack of insurance or high out-of-pocket cost. Participants shared both positive and negative experiences with services funded by local and federal agencies that provide care to vulnerable populations, including individuals without insurance, poor-quality insurance, or financial hardships. Participants also shared difficulty navigating the disability system, which would be helpful to access care and address psychosocial stressors and avoid homelessness.