The key findings of the present qualitative study were that never-married women aged over 35 reported differentiated coping patterns as a result of their status. Specifically, responses yielded three key categories: sexual issues, emotional needs, and lifestyle (for each of which subcategories were identified). The present results importantly add to the current literature in that participants’ answers covered a broad range of sexual, emotional, and lifestyle issues. As such, the variety of results also provides an illustrative portrait of how to cope with the current status of being unmarried in a creative, proactive, and constructive fashion. Results are now discussed in more detail (see also Table 1).
For coping with unmet sexual needs, two never-married women experienced sexual intercourse, some of them masturbated and others practiced sexual abstinence. This last group stated that sexual desire has diminished over time through suppression of sexual need and they have become accustomed to living without sex. Comparing these strategies with findings from other studies, it emerges that in the United States nine out of ten women have had sex outside marriage [21] while in China this is the case for 28% of women [22]. That the frequency found in the present study is so out of line with the values reported in other studies probably reflects the cultures and religious beliefs particular to different countries. In Islam, sex outside marriage is prohibited. Iranian culture forbids females from having sexual relations at any age before or outside of marriage [23]. This cultural attitude is common to most Muslim countries in South and Southeast Asia [24, 25]. While on the one hand sexual need is a strong physiological, emotional, and social desire [26–28], on the other hand, being a virgin is a value for Iranian women. Given this, never-married women sometimes masturbate while maintaining their virginity. However, according to Islam, the religion of Iranian, masturbation is also condemned. Therefore, these women regarded abstinence, i.e., not thinking about sex and avoiding exposure to sexual arousal, as a valuable way of coping. The present findings are in line with the results from studies in Muslim countries that are similar to Iran in terms of belief and religion [24, 25]. Another reason for ignoring sexual need is the passage of time, aging, and a diminishing desire for sexual intercourse due to the lack of a sexual partner. A study by Mroczeka (2013) that conducted on single women over the age of 60 found that they ignored sexual needs because they did not have anybody to have sex with; Participants also stated that this need decreased as they got older and they felt very little of this need in themselves [29].
Another important result to emerge in the present study concerned getting used to being alone. Although participants were worried about their future loneliness, they stated that they would never marry until they found the right partner; this became more apparent in their lives as they got older. But the important point is that with passing time, and acquiring advanced educational credentials and developing a career, finding a suitable husband becomes difficult because these things are happening during a period of life when women would normally be chosen by men as wives. This reality is apparent in the study by Azmawati (2015) which indicated that two circumstances, having a high level of education and a high-level job, are reasons for staying single [15]. Statistics in Iran show that the odds of marriage clearly decrease for women after the age of 35 [4]. The results of another study showed that older single women were less likely to marry than younger single women [30]. This is in line with previous findings. For example, Band- Winterstein (2014) reported that women who have never been married feel comfortable and satisfied with life because they could control their lives and have more freedom in making decisions [16]. In fact, by staying single and concentrating their time and energy on themselves and away from the responsibilities of married life, they can both make progress in life and live more freely and happily. Another study, however, reported rather different reactions. Participants in that study noted that they felt sadness in life and thought they had made a mistake; they were worried about their future loneliness and wanted to have a spouse and children [31]. We note that no participants in the present study expressed self-blame or guilt- feelings.
Two of the coping strategies with emotional issues were living with family and having good friends. Indeed, in present study, all women except three reported living with their family of origin (two lived alone due to the death of parents and one due to work in another city). In addition, participants stated that having good friends made them feel cheerful and supported. Newbold (2013) reported that social and family support, along with individual characteristics, were very important to feelings of wellbeing [32]. Likewise, never-married women mentioned that family and friends were the most important people in their lives, though it should be noted that living alone is culturally and socially discouraged for women in Iran [33]. Family support also helped never-married women to overcome the hardships of a single life [14]. In the same vein, 52% of never-married women were satisfied with their relationships with family and friends. Not surprisingly, never-married women reported that family members and friends helped them to cope with personal problems [34].
Another coping strategy for being unmarried was belief in God's destiny in marriage. Typically, participants stated: “Enshaallah”, meaning “If God willing”. In the same vein, Malaysian Muslim women also mentioned God's destiny as the most important reason for not getting married, along with their preference, not finding a good prospect, having a busy life, and caring for family responsibilities [14]. Believing in God’s decisions helped Indonesian women more easily to accept their singleness and to cope to the circumstances of their lives [24]. Single women stated that believing in God helped them to be patient and happy with life’s demands, to be better adapted to living conditions, and to experience higher self-confidence. In brief, believing in God's destiny was a coping strategy in acceptance of being unmarried [25].
The majority of participants also reported going to esthetic clinics, following the world’s fashions, having annual health checks, exercising, and paying attention to the slightest changes in body and weight. This can be the result of having more free time to spend for themselves than married people. On the other hand, the prospect of being alone in times of illness and aging can provoke a feeling of worry in never-married people and can encourage them to seek more check-ups or take more exercise because they know that they don't have any children or husband to support them [35].
In contrast, single people thought themselves to be less attractive, less acceptable, more nervous, and less sociable than those who were married. In addition, they were less satisfied with their lives and wanted to change their way of life (by getting married). They also felt lonely in their social interactions and had lower self-confidence and self-esteem. In Malaysia, never-married women are addressed as “Andartu”, meaning an “old virgin”, and most of these women felt they were unfairly treated and stigmatized [14]. Likewise, in Iran, adult never-married women are addressed as “Torshideh”, meaning “the expired woman”. In the face of such stigmatization, it appears that unmarried women are always preoccupied about losing their charm and beauty. Thus, paying attention to beauty and health appeared to be a strategy to improve self-confidence and social acceptance, and to counterbalance natural aging and possible stigmatization.
Involvement in a career or education was another reported coping strategy. In Malaysia, 70% of single women had higher education [14]. In the last two decades, the number of women with higher education and more demanding job positions has increased; as a result, marriage is being postponed [14, 16]. Higher education and higher job positions also appear to be related to economic and social independence. Given this background, marriage as a source of economic and social security has lost its importance.
Despite the novelty of the results, the following limitation cautions against any overgeneralization of the results. Lack of cooperation of some women in the interview was a problem in this study, though the researcher tried to encourage them to participate by establishing appropriate communication and explaining the confidentiality of information.
It is suggested that more studies, including quantitative work, be done to identify the basic needs of never-married women. In this situation, identifying the essential needs of these women and communicating them to the policymakers and planners in the country holds out the prospect of more facilities being established to improve the lives of never-married women. In Iran, there is no basic infrastructure to support single people in old age. As the number of these women is increasing steeply, this issue needs to be brought to the attention of policymakers.