Study Characteristics
We identified a total of 6,042 articles from the four databases (n = 6,033) and the additional sources (n = 9). After screening titles and abstracts, we derived a total of 214 potentially eligible articles, and conducted a full text screen of these, identifying 34 articles as meeting inclusion criteria. We achieved more than 95% agreement on decisions to include/exclude articles to ascertain eligibility in the title and abstract screening process; and through discussions achieved 100% agreement on decisions to include/exclude eligible articles. The study selection process is summarized in Fig. 1. Review of reference lists yielded an additional 5 eligible articles, resulting in a total of 39 included articles.
Characteristics and CASP scores for each study are described in Table S1 (Additional File.1). Studies generally had clear aims and findings and used appropriate qualitative methodology, but many scored poorly in considering issues of reflexivity. The total confirmed number of participants in included studies was 721, with sample sizes ranging from 3 to 100. However, three studies did not specify their sample size (36, 59, 60). The majority (n = 24) of studies took place in the United Kingdom (UK). The majority exclusively (n = 24) focused on samples with a diagnosis or traits related to “EUPD”. However, five studies did not specify whether participants were clinically diagnosed with or self-reported a “personality disorder” (61–65). One study included a sample of young people at risk of a “personality disorder” (66). Only three studies specified using a dimensional measurement to assess “personality disorder” related traits (67–69). Two studies included general population participants as control groups (70, 71) and one study included therapists and relatives' perceptions (72). Most studies used interviews or semi-structured interviews (n = 34) to collect data. A large selection of qualitative analytic approaches was used, with the majority of studies using thematic analysis or interpretative phenomenological analysis.
Thematic framework
Through the approach of thematic synthesis, we identified seven themes, described below along with illustrative quotes from included papers. Table S2 (Additional File. 2) presents these themes together with their sub-themes and further illustrative quotes from authors and participants. Direct quotes from the research study authors' interpretations of data are identified using speech marks only and direct quotes from research participants are given in italicised text and speech marks (followed by identifiers where available).
Theme 1: Disconnection: A “haunting alienation”
Most studies conveyed a strong sense of participants’ “lonesome struggle”, characterized by feeling persistently estranged and disconnected (73). Whether or not they were objectively lacking in contact with others, participants recurrently expressed an intense feeling of otherness, characterised as a “haunting alienation” in which a person did not feel like a “part of anything” (36). This brought “about a sense of disconnection” and “dissociation from society at large” (36, 68, 74). These experiences were especially described by people with a diagnosis/traits related to “EUPD”:
“Constant loneliness; even in a crowded room; always – I’ve always felt completely detached from everybody – everything and everybody […] there’s always that part of me that doesn’t feel I belong and that makes me feel lonely” (interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “EUPD”) (36)
Participants from Norwegian (73) and UK samples (36, 42, 69) with “personality disorder”, particularly “AVPD” and “EUPD”, spoke of this experience of loneliness and dissociation as a chronic and inherent part of who they were, almost as if it were something inevitable and deserved. To demonstrate, one participant described that loneliness is:
“what my life is, what’s, what I was destined for. You know, this is almost my punishment for surviving the rest of it.” (interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “EUPD”) (36)
Participants from an American sample with “EUPD” and a Canadian sample with Cluster B “personality disorder” described feelings of inadequacy that seemed to create a gap separating them from others (64, 75). Specifically, they described “falling short” in comparison to others which created a sense of disconnectedness.
“I just rate them against me and I have never met anyone that I was equal to or better than, no matter what… even if it was a bum on the street” (interviewee from an American sample with a diagnosis of “EUPD”) (75)
In an Indian (70), Norwegian (73), Swedish (76), American (75) and four UK samples (36, 42, 77, 78) participants with a “personality disorder” diagnosis often described disconnection and loneliness experiences in association with feeling misunderstood by everyone, invisible, and a burden on others. People with a diagnosis of “AVPD” and “EUPD” particularly expressed that they felt as if they were not known or seen by others.
“I can be walking down yet I can see all these activities going on but it’s like I’m not there and nobody can see me. I get very lonely.” (interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “EUPD”) (42)
In narratives of Australian and Norwegian samples of participants with an “EUPD” and “AVPD” diagnosis, respectively, some individuals associated these experiences with a sense of already being dead (73, 74). Moreover, a participant from a UK sample with “EUPD” described engaging in self-harm as a way to cope with intense disconnection and the sense of deadness (36, 42):
“I began to feel more and more different and more lonely […] I used to self-harm because that made me feel real in that moment.” (36)
Theme 2: Alienation arising from childhood experiences
The data coded under this theme illustrated that the sense of disconnection and separateness was often described as originating from alienating childhood experiences that seemed to contribute to feelings of uncertainty regarding a person’s sense of their place within a family or social unit. Participants from UK samples with “personality disorder” and “EUPD” (62, 79–81), an Australian (74) and a Norwegian sample of women with “EUPD” (61) expressed a sense of exclusion that seemed to arise from early life experiences with their families; this eventually led to a sense of being “totally different”. Participants described a “pervasive and chronic form of rejection, in which they felt excluded from sibling relationships, and from their parents’ marital dyad and they also felt scapegoated by entire family systems and sub-systems” (64). Participants from other UK studies (62, 79) also expressed similar narratives in which they felt scapegoated within their family unit.
“I feel like the black sheep of the family to be honest” (interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “personality disorder”) (79)
Participants from UK studies (36, 42, 69, 72, 78, 81), including a sample of youth at risk of a diagnosis of “personality disorder” (66), an Indian sample with “personality disorder” (70), an Australian sample with “EUPD” (74), and a Norwegian sample with “AVPD” (73) described early traumatic experiences along with psychological and emotional separation from the family unit, and related these to their feelings of loneliness. A number of participants, particularly those diagnosed with “EUPD”, recalled these experiences as being characterised by emotional loneliness or an absence of intimate relations (36, 72, 74, 78, 81, 82). For instance, some emphasized having “no family”, feeling “very unwanted”, neglected and misunderstood by the family, and “having nothing in common with the family” (36, 42, 59, 62, 66, 69, 70, 73, 74, 79, 80). Emotional loneliness that originated from childhood experiences and absence of caring adult relationships were sometimes described alongside experiences of childhood neglect and traumatic childhood physical and sexual abuse:
“When I got molested as a child, I could never speak to them (parents) because I felt they would not understand. I grew up with a ‘‘yuck’’ feeling about myself that did not allow me to form deep bonds with anyone.” (interviewee from an Indian sample with a diagnosis of “personality disorder”) (70)
Theme 3: A thwarted desire for closeness and connection
People with a diagnosis/traits of “personality disorder” expressed a strong but thwarted desire for social connections and intimate relationships (62, 65, 67, 70, 73, 74, 76, 83). This longing for fellowship, apparent particularly in participants diagnosed with “AVPD” and “EUPD”, seemed to be accompanied by a struggle to make desired connections successfully (73, 83):
“I would like to interact better with people, be more forthcoming, more sociable, more gregarious, less paranoid.” (interviewee from an Indian sample with a diagnosis of “AVPD”) (70)
“(I’d like to) maybe establish more interpersonal relationships, real friendships with people, and maybe a romantic relationship would be nice” (interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis or self-reported “personality disorder”) (65)
Specifically, participants described that they yearned for romantic relationships and friendships rooted in mutual understanding (65). Despite this desire to connect and engage with others on a deeper level, participants revealed that they did not know how to invest in relationships or found it hard to understand others’ intentions (62, 70, 73). In a Norwegian sample of people diagnosed with “AVPD”, “some expressed that they were fond of people and wished to be liked”, yet “most felt upset by how they could not manage to socialize” (73). One participant from an Indian sample with a diagnosis of “personality disorder” reflected that this inability to socialize might be “because my parents never taught me how to understand other people.” (70).
Theme 4: Paradox: Pull for both Closeness and Distance
This theme reflected a paradoxical combination of a yearning for closeness and connection, conflicting with a strong fear of intimacy (36, 61, 73, 74, 76, 78, 84, 85). This simultaneous conflicting pull for closeness and distance was very challenging for participants to resolve. This was illustrated by one participant who shared that “it’s just that emptiness and …… it’s almost the desperation of wanting to allow people in but not being able to. I just think I’ve been lonely all my life” (interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “EUPD”) (36)
The need to be distant seemed eventually to cause feelings of inner emptiness and loneliness, which then triggered the desperate need to connect with others in order to counter for these painful feelings (36, 73, 84, 86). However, this desperation for connecting was resisted due to feelings of terror and anxiety (61, 73, 76, 78, 84, 85). This paradox was described in association with core symptoms of “personality disorder”, such as fear of rejection, abandonment, and “others’ possible opinions and motives”, suggesting that these core vulnerabilities might underpin this paradox (61, 65, 73–75).
In the subthemes below, we discuss the specific fears and perceptions that are reported to contribute to this fear of intimacy demonstrated by people with a diagnosis/traits of “personality disorder” as well as the ways in which they attempted to cope with this relational paradox.
Subtheme 4.1: A rejecting and hostile external world
Participants with a “personality disorder” diagnosis/traits perceived the relational world as hostile and rejecting, and described adverse experiences with others in both childhood and adulthood. This seemed to contribute to an urge to withdraw to maintain a sense of safety from others (36, 64, 65, 68, 73, 80, 81, 85). In keeping with the perception of a hostile world, participants from a Norwegian sample with “AVPD” (73), Australian sample of women diagnosed with “EUPD” (74), an American sample (75), a UK (65), and Dutch sample(87) with “EUPD”, experienced threat-related physical reactions and intense fear “building up as the moment of some interaction” drew near. Even when participants were well aware that a social situation was not actually dangerous, “their bodies gave the opposite message of imminent threat”(36, 64, 65, 73, 80, 85):
“Every time I leave a conversation or something, I go out to breathe and tell myself, “It is not dangerous; it is not dangerous.” Then, I calm myself, and it gets just as bad again. I get very tense and I sweat, like it is dangerous.” (interviewee from a Norwegian sample with a diagnosis of “AVPD”) (73)
The perception of a hostile and rejecting world was described as being reinforced by adverse experiences with unsupportive and dismissive caregivers and emotionally rejecting experiences with partners and families, both in childhood and adulthood (59, 61, 63, 66, 69, 72, 87). These experiences often motivated participants to “push away relationships through fear of rejection” (68). Indeed, “many clients reported feelings of isolation and loneliness”, often due to past and current difficulties in personal relationships (59). This was apparent in the observations of a research participant who took notes on a therapeutic community meeting: “Tessa explains she felt unwanted and unloved by people here and by her family….She could hear people laughing outside her door and she felt excluded” (59).
Participants mentioned that stigmatising, negative attitudes and lack of sensitivity from professionals further increased fears of rejection and abandonment (61, 82). Professionals sometimes seemed to be re-enacting rejection behaviors that resembled or triggered memories of abandonment. A participant from a Norwegian sample of women with “EUPD” demonstrated how past experiences of rejection seeped into her day-to-day life, challenging the way she related to others and increasing her distress to the point of self-harm:
“I thought she would never return again and I trembled with fear, wondering where she was going, feeling abandoned and alone. The only thing left was to cut myself to obtain relief” (interviewee from a Norwegian sample of women “suffering” with “EUPD”) (61)
As well as coping with repeated abandonment, participants perceived the relational external world as demanding (36, 63, 72, 80), reporting a feeling that they had to please others, rehearse for social conversations and behaviours, and deal with intrusive people (72–75).
“You just spend your entire consciousness in just not … trying not to make a fool out of yourself and appear normal” (interviewee from a Norwegian sample with a diagnosis of “ AVPD”) (73)
Subtheme 4.2: Ways of managing the paradox
This sub-theme described how people with a diagnosis/traits of “personality disorder” actively employed strategies to cope with their urge to connect and counter loneliness whilst simultaneously keeping their distance (64, 67, 75, 84). These coping methods, described primarily by people with a diagnosis of “EUPD” and “AVPD”, were perceived as safer ways of connecting and were often motivated by a need for self-preservation and protection from potential future trauma resulting from forming intimate connections (36, 65, 72–74, 76, 81, 84). In two UK studies (67, 69), a Norwegian (73), and an Australian study (74), participants with a diagnosis/traits of “EUPD”, “AVPD”, and other “personality disorder” seemed to compensate for difficulties with human connection by forming connections with pets. This narrative by a participant from a UK sample with traits of “EUPD” is reflective of the essential need to avoid feeling alone:
“it’s a bit depressing […] I ain’t got a girlfriend or anything. I hadn’t for a while, so, do you know what I mean? Makes you a bit lonely, but that’s why – you know what I mean? I compensate. And I have four dogs” (78)
In a Canadian sample of people with Cluster B “personality disorder” some preferred interacting through a virtual life using digital technology (64, 73):
“I try to talk about it as little as possible: my cell phone is something that takes up a lot of space in my life. I have a virtual life as one might say” (64)
Participants from UK samples (36, 65), a Norwegian (73), and an American sample (75), primarily with a diagnosis/traits of “EUPD” and “AVPD”, preferred forms of social connections that were “safe” and structured, such as volunteer work and arts activities, as it allowed them to satisfy their urge to connect. However, where intimacy naturally grew through these activities, the fears could still arise:
“but after like half a year, everyone had sort of made their small groups of friends already, and then, it seemed a bit strange that I did not have that, so then it was better for me to pretend and lie” (interviewee from a Norwegian sample with a diagnosis of “AVPD”) (73)
Sometimes participants would deliberately set unhelpful limits on their relationships (68, 84). For example, a participant from an American/Australian sample with “EUPD” avoided healthy long-term relationships by purposely involving herself with men who she felt were the “wrong type of guys” because she was clear it was “not going anywhere” (84). Similarly, some participants with an “EUPD” diagnosis/traits tested people for possible closeness and relationships to see “whoever can cope” and therefore if the individual could be trusted (76, 84).
Other participants masked their fears when socializing with others by finding ways of maintaining distance whilst simultaneously blending in (36, 73, 85). For instance, participants with a diagnosis of “AVPD” described always feeling on guard against potential danger (68, 73). They explained that they would attempt to prevent being noticed by wearing sunglasses to avoid eye contact, withdrawing from social situations by staying quiet and hiding “behind others whom they perceived to be somewhat safe” and “better able to master most social situations” (68, 73).
Conversely, a minority of studies emphasized that participants tried to act as if normal to hide and conceal “their perceived shortcomings” (65, 73, 76). Participants from a Norwegian sample with a diagnosis of “AVPD” (73), a Swedish sample of women with a diagnosis/traits of “EUPD” (76), and a UK sample with “personality disorder” (65) described “putting on a mask”. This was mentioned in the context of their attempts to avoid the stigma associated with “personality disorder”, by following templates for appropriate behaviours in a given situation:
“When I’m with H I’m collected and controlled. I always am when I’m together with other people. Inside I’m not one dammed bit controlled, just have such anxiety” (Interviewee from a Swedish sample diagnosed with “EUPD”) (76)
Some participants, largely with “AVPD” and “EUPD” diagnoses preferred to withdraw from social situations by physically disconnecting, resulting in increased feelings of loneliness (36, 64, 73):
“when times are tough I go inside myself and I retreat from the world and I hide in my house and this is where the loneliness comes in I suppose.” (Interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “EUPD”) (36)
Theme 5: Experiences of a meaningless and empty existence
Some narratives described the experience of being cut off and unable to engage in the social world resulting in a feeling of purposelessness. This appeared to be a feature of what was experienced as an empty and meaningless life. Specifically, this theme reflected a perceived lack of purpose in life or existential loneliness, which was described by participants in the context of a lack of collective purposeful activities and individual goals. This seemed to engender a sense of frustration, uselessness, emptiness, and social exclusion. People from UK samples (36, 69, 88), an Australian (74) and a French, Belgium, and Swiss sample of adolescents (71), primarily those with a diagnosis of “EUPD”, described a feeling of solitude and lack of engagement in leisure activities, which induced feelings of hopelessness, withdrawal, and a form of “soul-destroying” loneliness, in which individuals felt as though they had to drag themselves through every day.
“I guess in a way it’s loneliness that I don’t have something planned or a bit of frustration that I can’t get myself going to do something” (Interviewee from an Australian sample diagnosed with “EUPD”)(74)
This theme of a meaningless life, lacking in stimulating activities or social connections, appeared to be associated with difficulties establishing a stable and rooted way of life. Often this related to loss or lack of a job, geographical distance from others or itinerant living arrangements, and frequent or long periods of hospitalization (69, 71, 79, 88, 89):
“I just had friends who I knew for a few years and then moved on again… it wasn’t nice but you just have to get on with it … we moved around a lot” (Interviewee from a UK sample with “personality disorder” traits) (69)
“It was quite a shock when I went home after being on the ward for 4 months, living alone: as much as I like peace and quiet, it’s deathly quiet and weird after the ward: I underestimated how lonely and quiet it was going home” (Interviewee from a UK sample diagnosed with “personality disorder” and mood disorders) (89)
Theme 6: Recovery, embedded in a social world
Participants with a diagnosis/traits of “personality disorder” in a range of studies described how important a sense of belonging and integration was for personal recovery, maintaining wellbeing, and crisis management (59, 60, 62, 65, 67, 72, 77, 81, 83, 87, 90–94):
“For me personally it means … sort of reintegration into the community and sort of mainstream society … to combat the feeling of alienation that I experience” (Interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis/self-reported “personality disorder”) (65)
Participants hankered after a sense of group belonging in which they finally felt understood and heard, and were united by a common purpose. This was viewed as a “dream come true”, especially for participants with a diagnosis/traits of “EUPD” (59, 62, 65, 72, 77, 87, 91, 92). Despite participants emphasizing the importance of relationships with friends and family, this sense of belonging was usually developed in a therapeutic group setting surrounded by “like-minded people”. This allowed participants to foster deep connections in a safe place through their ability to identify with each other and feel “normal”, thus reducing levels of loneliness and the sense of otherness (59, 60, 62, 65, 77, 81, 91–94) :
“It was good knowing that there was other people out there… it got rid of that kind of loneliness and am I a freak?” (Interviewee from a UK sample diagnosed with “EUPD”) (94)
Participants from UK and Australian samples with “EUPD” explained that group therapy was like finding a family they never had “under one roof”, suggesting that forming deep connections and feeling a sense of integration were important yet rare experiences pivotal to recovery, unattainable in mainstream society (72, 77, 91):
“I don’t feel like a weirdo… it’s actually almost nurturing for me… This is like almost an adopted family for me… I can actually feel myself doing all the learning that perhaps I should have been doing donkeys years ago” (Interviewee from a UK
sample diagnosed with “EUPD”) (72)
In UK (59, 62, 72, 88, 93), Dutch (87), Canadian (92), and American (94) samples, participants reported that taking part in a group with shared understandings regarding the experience of “personality disorder” appeared to alleviate the symptoms of “personality disorder” by restoring hope in others, re-establishing a sense of inclusivity and identity amongst others, and removing the “loneliness of living with the painful emotions”. This was particularly emphasized by participants with “EUPD”. Participants described having gained the ability to “feel less paranoid of others”, had developed a balanced view of others, felt supported to confront deeply-ingrained fears, and had formed desired connections, all of which had reduced their sense of exclusion and loneliness (62, 79, 87, 88, 92, 94).
Theme 7: Group therapy: A setback
We identified a small group of studies that highlighted individuals’ preference to psychologically withdraw and distance themselves from others with similar difficulties, as encountered in group therapy (63, 65, 72, 73, 83, 91, 95). For the individuals described, group therapy was perceived as unsupportive and as impeding their journey towards recovery. Indeed, for some, the idea of engaging in a therapeutic group was viewed as a potentially harmful setback in their journey, especially when feeling fragile (65, 73, 91).
“It’s difficult when you’re dealing with other people who have a lot of the same problems… sometimes it feels like this is a new identity; that this is who you are; you are part of this group of people who have these problems and sometimes that’s a bit hard to do” (Interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “EUPD”) (72)
Connected with subtheme 4.1 (A rejecting and hostile external world), participants from a UK sample with “personality disorder” diagnoses/traits perceived that being in a therapeutic community setting could trigger fears of rejection and judgment by others which would negatively impact their recovery progress (65):
“I think if you’re put in a situation where people would get to know me, I think that could have a negative effect on my recovery and not a positive one” (65)
Being in a group and seeing group members joining and making friends was sometimes experienced as reinforcing a sense of otherness and alienation (90):
“Sometimes I do feel alone at the groups. I struggle with this idea of community.” (Interviewee from a UK sample with a diagnosis of “personality disorder”) (90)
Participants from some UK samples described negative aspects of being in a group such as a sense that support from other group members in therapy, for “EUPD”, was “lacking or inconsistent” (63, 83). Moreover, participants diagnosed with “EUPD” also found it disheartening to see themselves “as belonging to a group of people with problems” (72).