"Motherhood, as a double-edged sword" was a theme, which emerged in relation to the experience of motherhood in prison. This theme tells the story of a mother being imprisoned in a dual world, in which mothers are torn among motherly feelings for their child and motherhood anxiety and cannot be sure of their future and that of their child. This theme consists of two sub-themes, “Moving in a circle between togetherness and separation” and "Being subject to ambiguous and illusory thoughts”. The summary of emerged theme and sub-themes are shown in Table 1.
Table 1
The summary of theme, subthemes, and cluster themes
Cluster themes | Subthemes | Main Theme |
From alienation to oneness with the unborn child | Moving in a circle between togetherness and separation | Motherhood as a double-edged sword |
Perpetual trepidation about being separated from the child |
Grappling with obscure dreams of giving birth | Being subject to ambiguous and illusory thoughts |
Belief in an honorable defeat |
Moving in a circle between togetherness and separation
This theme describes the feelings and instinctive response of women in prison to the experience of motherhood. This concept refers to the emotional conflicts of women in prison with the child inside them. When these women realize the existence of their child, this connection and closeness immerse them in a range of different emotions, but in the desperation of reaching and separation, they are forced to accept a feeling, justification, and conclusion. This theme consists of two themes of "From alienation to oneness with the unborn child" and “Perpetual trepidation about being separated from the child".
From alienation to oneness with the unborn child
For many women, motherhood in prison was a kind of confrontation with positive and negative feelings towards someone who has not yet been born. In fact, this concept illustrate a complex and deep passage of the feelings of women in prison, who spent their entire pregnancy inside the prison and had no mentality about the outside world except for their limited insight.
The feelings of imprisoned mothers were flowing in a circuit from the bitterness and poison of alienation and disinterest in the child to the sweetness of intimacy and attachment with him /her and were constantly repeated.
A 26-year-old pregnant participant who is the mother of three daughters says that she suffers from the lack of love and affection for her son's fetus and her unwillingness to communicate with him. She does not know if the reason for this apathy is due to a change in her living environment or a change in her child's gender:
"I do not like him at all. I like my daughters who are out of here very much. However, I do not like this boy. I do not know, maybe because he is a boy, I do not like him. Unlike the previous ones, I do not talk to him at all. "Only when he moves, I realize he is still alive." (Participant 3, G3L2).
For another participant, motherhood is not associated with any affection. In fact, she did not want to be involved in any feelings about her child. The hardships and sufferings of imprisonment caused her to find it unreasonable to spend her emotions thinking about having a child and caring for him/her:
"I do not have a special feeling for her. I honestly suffered so much here that I do not think about these feelings and such things anymore, and it does not matter to me at all. I was like this during my pregnancy. I was forced to hug her when I gave birth because I don't want her." (Participant 6, 38-years-old, G3P3)
Some women expressed a sense of alienation from the creature, which grows in their womb. They believed that prison covers their motherly feelings and they are strangers to their children. They had no desire for her, and what they do, as a mother was only a matter of duty:
"I feel she is not my baby. It is not my skin, flesh and blood. I felt the same way when I was pregnant, as if someone else's baby was in my womb." (Participant 4, 31-years-old, G3A1P2)
For another participant, motherhood was a mountain of responsibility on her shoulders and brought her new problems. They thought that when a child is born, the problems of the prison would be less visible compared to the difficulties they are facing with in the current circumstances.
“I feel I have a great responsibility. Because this child does not have a father, I have the responsibility on him all the time, I do not want to be dependent on anyone, but raising a child alone is very difficult here, pregnancy in prison is very difficult, but when your baby is born, it gets harder. " (Participate 7, 21-years-old, G1P1)
For some individuals, life in prison was like a box full of regrets and dreams, but they loved so much the child inside them and their motherly instinct was so strong that it neutralized all these miseries and dissatisfactions.
"I watch the whole day until nightfall, and the lights are turned off so I can be alone with my child. I put my hand on my stomach and talk to him all night. I feel sorry for him. It is very good to have someone in prison who is so close to you and intimate." (Participant 11, 33-years-old, G2L1)
Participant No. 2 described her sense of belonging and closeness to her child and considered her as only asset in prison:
"I feel connected to my child, not because of just carrying him, but because I feel very close to him in my womb, you know, he is the only thing that I have here with myself”. (28-years-old, G3L2)
Perpetual trepidation about being separated from the child
The separation from the child was interpreted as one of the biggest prison pains for mothers. Interviews with pregnant mothers were conducted while each of them was waiting for expected separation from their child. Some of these women were planning for their separation, and some were desperately waiting for a forced separation. They all expressed their concern about the separation of child, whether this separation becomes a reality or not. The common expressions used by these women evoked fear, doubt, and anxiety. The unpredictability of the status of their sentence and the uncertainty of the time of their release was a lever of pressure for separation. Although the instability about punishment and freedom is a common experience in prison, it is undoubtedly the most stressful part of pregnancy for these women.
Participant No. 5, whose release status was unknown, revealed the stress of night and her insomnia because of thinking about her child and imagining a future of growing up without his mother:
"I'm anxious…, I cannot sleep at night. I always think about my child, how long he will stay with me, and what will happen to him if I am not released. “(38-years-old, G2A1)
Many women were at a crossroads of doubt and uncertainty. They did not know what decision make for their child, keep them, or leave them to welfare organizations, in the circumstances that they have forced to sentence their child to life. They thought that if they put him in a welfare organization, they make the child entrapped in loneliness, and if they keep him, they lock the child in their own world in prison.
Participant No. 2, while promising early release, did not know what would happen to her child:
"I think about him a lot. To put him in a welfare organization, to be going to a big place that ... is a sin. Sometimes I think that I want to give him to a welfare organization at all so that one day he will feel like me that there is no family at all. "That's why I might have to keep him in jail." (28-years-old, G3L2)
Participant No. 4, who had just given birth, was anxious about permission to keep her child in prison. She believed that she has to take care of her child, because outside the prison environment he would suffer from loneliness:
" I'm very stressed, I do not know if they will let me keep the baby to myself or not. I just want to keep him to myself, because I do not have anyone outside to take care of. " (31-years-old, G3A1P2)
For women who could keep their child with them for up to two years legally, the idea of separating from their child after that period was very painful. The thought of being separated from a part of their being causes them to accept the hardships of caring for a child but not to be separated from him:
"I do not even imagine that my child will be separated from me. I know that I can legally keep him with me for up to two years, but I know how difficult it is to take it away from me. It does not matter how many children you have. "It is very difficult to do it.” You are ready to keep him in this environment, but he will not leave you." (Participant 1, 35-years-old, G7D2P3A2)
Being subject to ambiguous and illusory thoughts
The notion of motherhood was lost for some women in prison. For some women, becoming a mother might be easy in prison, but motherhood was difficult. For women in prison, motherhood was the beginning of overwhelming concerns. This theme consisted of two themes of “Grappling with obscure dreams of giving birth” and” Belief in an honorable defeat".
Grappling with obscure dreams of giving birth
Some women in prison went to bed with anxiety about childbirth and slept through nightmares.
"I constantly sleep with the stress of childbirth, I am always afraid that one night, I will be in pain and no one will help me. One of the women who was pregnant here gave birth so late that her baby was born in the salon here, and there was no one to help her." (Participant 6, 40-years-old, G3P3)
For participant No. 5, who was only 10 weeks pregnant, the idea of giving birth in prison was a painful memory for a lifetime:
"I cannot accept to stay in prison and give birth here at all; it becomes a bad memory which stays with me all my life, so I try my best to get out of prison before giving birth.” (38-years-old, G2A1)
Women in prison faced a sense of lack of control over their pregnancy and childbirth. They did not know where to give birth, who will give birth to them, who will support them, and what will happen to them and their baby. They complained that they are forced to suffer from the cold and unsympathetic behavior of the escort officers when they go to hospital:
"I want my body to be in control, I do not want anyone to constantly growl when I am going to give birth to get an ambulance." (Participant 3, 26-years-old, G5L3D1)
Feeling of being unable to have a normal delivery and passing the labor without any support and companionship and lack of choice in the mode of delivery were other mental concerns of women who experienced shortly the phenomenon of motherhood. They frightened of the behavior of hospital staff, to the extent that they felt they are endangering their lives by leaving them or their baby to them:
“I was constantly worried about being able to give birth naturally. I kept telling our doctor I could not. Especially since I was afraid of the attitude of staff at the hospital, I did not want to leave myself to them and put my baby in danger." (Participant7, 21-years-old, G1P1)
For some persons, the fear of childbirth and the unknown issues as well as their loneliness made them scared and angry:
"I was very, very scared before I gave birth, but now I'm just angry, that I have no one and I'm alone here." (Participant 1, 35-years-old, G7D2P3A2)
Fear of childbirth is doubled for women in prison when they think they are pregnant in bed and chained, in which case it is unknown to them whether they are in labor or in severe physical and mental pain. It may be easier to die, or at least wish for death, than to endure the pain of being chained:
"I know that if I want to go out of prison for childbirth, they will handcuff and tie me. At times like this, you do not know whether to take your pain or the pain of handcuffing and tying, as if the pain of childbirth doubles when I think about it. "It's better to die. It is much better when a person can easily give birth without a bracelet.” (Participant 8, 41-years-old, G6L5)
Belief in an honorable defeat
The manifestation, which is usually presented of motherhood, is always heartwarming and desirable. It is very proud that one can have a living being in one's womb and consider oneself as two people instead of one, but the motherly moments of women in prison were full of accepting fruitless efforts in performing motherly duties, because of the lack of prison facilities. It did not give them permission to provide what they are trying to provide for their child, only possibility they had was the unconditional love they could give their child:
" I think I can never be a good mother to her. I always feel that I cannot do my job the way I want to as a mother, because there is nothing you can give your child, there are no facilities and only thing I can do is to love him." (Participant 2, 28-yrears-old, G3L2)
Being born requires self-sacrifice and effort. One life is formed in exchange for the loss of another life. For some participants, a mother in prison was the opposite, that the prison wall overshadows the image of the mother in front of child, causing the child to be ashamed of mother and to blame her:
"I'm worried that these memories will linger in my child’s mind, his mother was a prisoner and spent his childhood here in prison because of me. I do not want him to be ashamed of me as a mother when he grows up." (Participant 1, 35-years-old, G7D2P3A2)
Although women in prison did not forget that motherhood has its own beauties, they frightened that the child will ignore their tireless sacrifices, which they endured in prison to get the same bit of beauty. These women did not want their daughter or son to one day build a wall between what they felt in prison or the forced separation they endured, and to base their future relationship:
"I want my child to remember that his mother endured so much hardship because of him and made this sacrifice for him. Everything I did was just for my child." (Participant 2, 28-yrears-old, G3L2)
Some mothers, despite all difficulties which childcare brings to them in prison, did their best in this direction, to the extent that the law and circumstances allowed them to do so, but for a moment. It turns out that they were forced to donate their child to a family member outside the prison against their will, and if they were deprived of this blessing, they have to leave the child in the hands of a welfare organization. Separating from mother to child may be difficult, but it was thousands of times more painful for the mother.
"I will keep my child with me for as long as I am allowed for two years, but then if someone is not willing to accept him, I will have to give him to a welfare organization. Although it is difficult for a child to be separated from his mother, it is a thousand times harder for me. "I do not want my relationship with him to be ruined." (Participant 11, 32-years-old, G2L1)