A total of 15 HSCT survivors aged 18–59 years participated in this study. Sample characteristics are shown in Table 3. Four themes and 11 subthemes were identified as important aspects of survivorship experiences of Chinese patients with hematological cancers after HSCT (Table 4).
Theme 1: Transplant Being Harder Than You Thought
Nearly all participants considered HSCT to be a tough treatment, but they had opted to receive it because they had fully hoped for life after HSCT. Nevertheless, after experiencing various post-transplant challenges as a survivor, they realized that HSCT was harder than they had thought.
BODY FUNCTION IMPAIRED
Lack of strength was a common physical impairment among HSCT survivors. They had experienced reduced strength after chemotherapy and before transplantation. However, compared to that experience, their exhaustion during HSCT survivorship was much more severe and persistent. One participant noted, “Now (after transplantation) I have no strength to carry my son or other things that I used to be able to.” (P7)
Impaired fertility and vision were also examples of changed body functions, which were related to HSCT conditioning regimen and ocular manifestations of GVHD, respectively. Confronting the high probability of long-term infertility and/or decreased vision, survivors felt these outcomes were highly unacceptable (especially young survivors who noted they had known little about these late effects before HSCT). One participant stated, “When I heard this (almost no chance for me to get pregnant), I immediately started crying. It’s so hard to accept this! I was so young! I deeply want to have my own child, like other healthy young girls can!” (P11)
FORCED TO MODIFY DIET
Due to medication side effects and HSCT-related complications, many survivors experienced noticeable dietary changes. Some participants mentioned that they had increased appetite, could not help eating more, but still did not feel full while taking steroids. “I am still taking steroids now…Even though I had eaten up two big bowls of rice and half of a pork leg, I was still not full and wanted to eat more.” (P1) In contrast, a loss of appetite due to a reduced sense of taste was another common issue among survivors. “When I ate salty food, there seemed to be no taste in my mouth. I could taste sweet things a little, so I ate congee with sugar for almost a week. Now I do not feel like eating at all. Look, my tongue is coated so white and thick!” (P6)
Despite having a normal appetite, a few participants had no choice but to limit eating large amounts of food owing to severe oral mucositis or chronic oral GVHD, and some even fasted because of GVHD involving their gastrointestinal tract. A participant mentioned, “To avoid irritating these oral ulcerations and worsening the pain, I limited my diet to a large extent, with only Chinese steamed eggs, sponge cake, and milk.” (P4)
DISTURBED BY SURVIVORSHIP UNCERTAINTY
Many participants expressed that their current lives were filled with uncertainty, mainly due to the uncertainty of relapse. In their minds, if cancer returned, all their efforts and family’s efforts to fight their cancer and all hardships they had borne were utterly wasted. Therefore, when they felt a little physical discomfort, heard the news of a relapse or death among other patients, or approached the date of their routine checkups, they became very anxious, worried, or even terrified. A participant shared, “Each time before the bimonthly bone marrow biopsy, I felt so much stress. I felt so terrified and worried a lot about the result (if [the] cancer relapsed)!” (P8)
Severe GVHD also put survivors of an allo-HSCT at a loss. They did not know when their GVHD would be cured or if it even could be cured. Confronted with the involvement of several organs, a continuously weakening body, and seemingly endless symptoms of GVHD, some felt desperate, helpless, and regretful about their transplant decision, and even blamed themselves. “It has been two years (since allo-HSCT), but I am still so sick, weak, and listless! This terrible situation seems endless…I am extremely regretful of my transplant decision, because it brought too many unexpected problems!” (P5)
Theme 2: Difficulty Blending Into Circles
Gaining a sense of belonging is especially crucial for everyone who live in collectivistic cultures, such as China. Integrating into social circles is the primary strategy to achieve this feeling. However, for HSCT survivors, there were some obstacles.
LIMITED ACTIVITY SPACE
During survivorship, especially the first three years, many survivors experienced a significant reduction in activities they could do. This primarily resulted from fear of infection and weakness in their legs due to a lack of energy. In those moments, home became the safest place for the survivors to stay. One male participant stated, “I wore a mask and walked (outside) for just a little while. When I got home, I felt tired and coughed, and then I had a high fever and had to see a doctor. Since then, I have rarely gone out except for going to the hospital.” (P5)
Some survivors decided to stay indoors due to fear of getting COVID-19. “The new variant of COVID-19 was more contagious. Thus, I chose not to go out but stayed at home except for something necessary.” (P12) Another participant stayed at home because of her weak legs. “I seldom went out because I was more likely to fall due to weak legs after HSCT.” (P13)
SUFFERING FROM DISCRIMINATION
When discharged and returned to their usual living conditions, some HSCT recipients realized that they and their families were being treated differently by others compared to their experiences before the onset of illness and transplantation, including being bullied by neighbors due to their history of cancer. This was more common in rural areas in China. “I was looked down upon by my neighbors. They spread gossip and rumors about my illness and treatment widely. They even did not let their children play with my son!” (P7)
Skin changes are prevalent among HSCT survivors. When survivors with noticeable skin changes went out, they felt that they were looked at by strangers on the road in a weird way, and a few even mentioned being described by others as monsters. “Several days ago, I was taking a walk with my wife in the 501 City Square. Suddenly, a child said loudly, ‘Mom, it’s a monster! His skin is so strange and terrifying!’” (P4)
Young HSCT survivors were at a significant disadvantage while looking for a marriage partner. This was not only because of their history of cancer but also due to their impaired reproductive function after HSCT. One participant said, “When we broke up, he told me, ‘No one will stand for a woman who can’t be pregnant.’ Immediately, it seemed like all my hope for marriage was over. It’s so painful!” (P11)
Theme 3: Adjusting Value Judgments
Value judgments refer to the judgment of the usefulness of something or someone. This is changeable and is often determined or changed by a comparison.
HEALTH BEING A TOP PRIORITY
After experiencing the unforgettable effects of cancer treatment, all participants realized that their health was the most important to them. During survivorship, participants regarded their hard-won, post-HSCT body as equivalent to a rebirth and treasured it very much. They actively adopted several strategies to maintain physical and psychological well-being, such as eating a healthy diet (e.g., avoiding food regarded as stimulating from the perspective of traditional Chinese medicine, such as mushrooms, eggs, and mutton), being physically active, maintaining hobbies, keeping a diary to jot down thoughts and regulating their body using Chinese medicines. “As long as whatever it was would be beneficial to my health, I would do it. For example, I played piano for half an hour every day, which made me happy.” (P3) “The major change was that I stopped drinking soft drinks.” (P14)
Some survivors believed in geomantic omens (feng shui), an ancient Chinese art of selecting auspicious sites.28 To achieve balance and harmony in a way that will bring health and peace, they changed where they lived or rebuilt homes. “A geomancer (feng shui expert who determines aspects of the house that are out of balance and inharmonious based on ancient Chinese metaphysics and personal experiences29) said the location of the back door of my house was ominous and inharmonious. Now the back door is blocked, and I moved to live in another building, just in case (my health) would be influenced by that inharmonious environment.” (P10)
CONTRIBUTING TO THE FAMILY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
Family is a core component of Chinese society. Most Chinese people are family oriented rather than individually oriented, a main characteristic in Western countries. Family support received during treatment and survivorship strengthened the participants’ belief that they should contribute to their family as much as possible. Even though they were immersed in a desperate situation, they still tried to make contributions. “Although I was admitted to the hospital, I am still working via mobile phone…I must shoulder responsibility as a father!” (P4)
Some participants changed their family roles and contributed to the family differently. “I never touched the broom or mop before illness. However, now, I often do some cleaning and cooking.” (P1) Another weak survivor felt her value to family lay in contributing by doing simple housework. “Whenever I felt a little bit of strength, I watered the flowers or washed the basin. At that time, I felt that I was a person who was useful to family!” (P15) Accompanying family members was another way to make a family contribution. “No one knows when the cancer will come back. Therefore, I try to spend as much time as I can with them [family members].” (P12)
FEELING WORTHLESS
Feeling worthless was a value judgment that HSCT survivors made toward themselves. This was often generated among survivors who were dissatisfied with their health conditions, economic conditions, or intimate relationship status. The dramatically changed life conditions made some survivors long for their past lives. When the memories of bad events came to their minds, they felt wronged, and in the meantime, they evaluated themselves as failures. “I often cried while driving. My life has failed in everything! At school, I was an underachieving student with poor academic performance. At 23 years old, my father passed away. At 26 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer. Now, my marriage has ended in a divorce. I am a total loser!” (P7)
Some married female HSCT survivors lived under the same roof as their natural parents and relied on them in various ways during survivorship. This phenomenon brought rumors that humiliated one female survivor and her family. “I was so useless! I have married, but I still live with my natural parents and depend on them. They not only paid all my medical fees and took care of me, but they also looked after my son!” (P6)
Theme 4: Still Being the Lucky One
Compared to individuals with cancer or other HSCT survivors who were in a worse situation than they were, some survivors felt that they were still fortunate.
RECOVERED BETTER THAN OTHERS
Some participants regarded patients with a blood cancer who entered the transplantation ward and underwent transplants at a similar time as comrades-in-arms. They kept in touch with each other during survivorship. Through communication, some survivors realized that they belonged to the category of patients who had recovered well, and this generated a sense of luck in the midst of misfortune. “I was fortunate! You see, I recovered well after transplantation. However, another survivor who I knew was still disturbed by low platelet levels and always felt fatigued.” (P1). Another participant said, “Among so many allo-HSCT recipients, I think I am probably the one who recovered the best. That year, three patients with hematological cancers who were 45 years old underwent transplantation, including me. But now, only I am still alive!” (P2)
GENUINE RELATIONSHIPS ACQUIRED
After experiencing cancer and treatment, most HSCT survivors recognized who their true friends were and who deserved to be treated sincerely. “I often did my best to help my friends. However, only a few visited me while I was in treatment or even afterwards. Now, I see clearly who my sincere friends are who deserve genuine friendship and who are just fair-weather friends.” (P2)
Tests of relationships also occurred in marriages. One participant realized that her husband truly loved her. “I have to say that my husband was so sincere to me and treated me so well! Before illness, he worked outside the home and did not care about family things. But this time, everything associated with illness, transplant and complications has been well handled by him.” (P9) Another participant was also aware of how sincerely his wife had supported him. “Since diagnosis, my wife always accompanied me and told me firmly, ‘This disease must be treated. If the worst situation comes, we could sell our house.’ I was deeply moved! In contrast, another patient in the same ward was left by his wife.” (P1)
SELF-IMPROVEMENT ACHIEVED
Many people desire a reputation based on material possessions (e.g., house, car), and some even pursue purchases far beyond their financial ability. However, for some survivors, this irrational behavior had changed. They focused more on their real needs and made choices based on their corresponding abilities. “I used to be so concerned about face (mian zi) and always wanted to be better than others before I got sick. However, now, I have become more practical and do things mainly according to my abilities rather than for the sake of saving face.” (P2)
Some participants became empathic and gained more understanding of others. “…I sometimes lost temper with my mother…I’ve become more understanding and often try to stand in her shoes to think through many things.” (P6)