Relationship challenges
Participants mentioned a range of challenges that they experience in their relationship with their partners; many spoke about how they are working through challenges, and asking others for help and advice. Challenges included differences in thinking and what they want, not agreeing with each other, not being honest with each other, and a lack of communication. A few participants mentioned other challenges such as their partner focussing on her friends too much, problematic drinking habits, and unfaithfulness. Some participants were experiencing challenges in their relationship as a result of having their partner’s family’s approval for their relationship or the pregnancy.
“sometimes we don’t think the same way, number two we don’t want the same things, number three to make someone understand what you want and understand them as a person to understand what they want; because we want different things along the way.” (1)
“It was as I’m saying like lack of communication, like lack of making time because she was always busy, I was always busy like you know.” (9)
“challenges that I have faced is that [name] would feel left out or lonely in a way because she would call at work during the day while I’m at work and she would cry, I don’t know if she was frustrated by the fact that the baby is also crying and she can’t make her stop crying or if she was feeling like her life is over in a way.” (15)
“I have friends, like they have kids so I always ask them about whether am I doing it right, is there something wrong that I’m doing you know.” (11)
For two participants, the challenges related to losing their baby, which brought about a change in their relationship dynamic. For another participant, it seemed as if his partner had experienced post-natal depressive symptoms.
“she fell pregnant which she had a miscarriage right. Yes, so there was a distance between us, it was no longer the same as we started the relationship.” (4)
Pregnancy
Feelings about the pregnancy
Many participants stated that they only found out their partner was pregnant was when she missed her period. Most participants reported that their partner’s pregnancy was not planned; only three participants specifically mentioned that the pregnancy was planned, while some were not clear. Many participants expressed feeling positive about the news of their partner’s pregnancy, which included feeling happy or excited due to their desire to have children or loving children.
“we’ve been looking to have a child after all that happened…I was happy my brother, I was very happy, I was happy and I was even coming home from work so I was like today let me skip gym and rather spend time with them.” (14)
Participants frequently mentioned having mixed feelings when they found out their partner was pregnant. These included feeling happy and excited, but also feeling shocked, disappointed, hesitant, nervous, scared, and stressed. These less positive emotions appeared to be linked to cultural expectations, perceptions of how family members would react, or not feeling ready for a baby; one participant commented on the complexity of being ready. It was evident that these participants understood the level of responsibility that was expected of them as a father. One participant was initially shocked, but came to accept the pregnancy without expressing clear feelings either way: “it is what it is” (13).
“when I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant I was happy, at the same time nervous because I knew what was going to come as a soon as they find out that this person is pregnant…I don’t think there’s anyone that is ever ready, once you become a father it means you’re ready; so there’s no right time to say you’re ready now or whatever; so I’m always ready.” (1)
“I was happy, like totally I was happy but at the very same time I was scared because I was thinking like how am I going to support the child.” (16)
A common feeling amongst participants was concern about how they will provide for the child and mother, particularly for those who were not employed – either the father or the mother, or both of them. Future aspirations involved being employed and able to provide for their family; for some, these aspirations were not being met and this had caused challenges in their relationship.
“I also want to get full time employment so I can work for her as her man, ja….We’d just start arguing about the child and how we’re both unemployed with a baby on the way and how expensive diapers are, like when we go to the shops to buy food she’d just lose it over how expensive diapers are and that would stress me out even more especially when we were both still out of work, she’d just freak out that the diapers are expensive and clothes are expensive.” (3)
“I used to also contribute at home while also maintaining my child; but now that I don’t work, I have nothing you know so I have to hustle where I can and then be able to provide for both my children so they are taken care of so their mothers don’t think I’m useless you understand, sure.” (17)
One participant shared in more detail about his mixed feelings, specifically his initial shock and feelings of not being ready, considerations about terminating the pregnancy, and also contemplating his responsibility as the father of the baby.
“Eish I felt like I was going to die because I wasn’t ready for another baby, honestly she was, we were not ready for another baby…Ja, and then I feel like I just honestly I didn’t want the baby…I would get suggestions of getting rid of the baby like abortion you know but I’m like, so if you are going to abort this child and honestly you knew that you got her pregnant. If you are going to abort this child, how are you going to live with yourself, remember you have done something to yourself and what about, what if she dies, you know what if there are complications, you understand. What if she doesn’t give birth anymore and all because of your selfish ways? All because you didn’t want to be responsible, you didn’t want to be responsible from the first place, from get go you guys having unprotected sex, to you impregnating her.” (9)
Effect of the pregnancy on their relationship
Some participants believed the pregnancy had a positive effect on them, and on their relationship with their partner, such as bringing them closer or encouraging them to be more serious about their relationship. A few other participants mentioned the effect of their partner’s pregnancy in a less positive light, including not being able to do the same things as before, such as watching sport; or that they felt guilty because their partner was feeling sick, or they actually became sick as well. Two participants spoke about the challenges they experienced trying to balance their attention between their partner and their baby, if the baby had been born.
“But positively it affected me in a sense that I became happy mostly knowing that I was expecting a boy child.” (6)
“Yoh pregnancy symptoms my brother, like it affects her and then in turn I get affected; because she throws up and I do too.” (14)
“Ja I’d say that I think I became more selfish towards the child, like things that changed is that I just focused on the baby more than anything else; I thought she understood why but only to find out no.” (11)
Some participants had experienced more negative effects of the pregnancy on their relationship in terms of how the pregnancy had caused changes or challenges, such as fighting more, or experiencing frustration with each other. Part of these relational challenges seemed to be the difficulty participants experienced dealing with their partner’s emotions, such as annoyance, as well as moodiness and changes in moods. For those experiencing a partner’s pregnancy for the first time, these challenges seemed to be particularly difficult.
“Okay uh at some point it was frustrating to deal with a pregnant person because it was the first time for me, and it came with a lot of challenges.” (15)
“eish it was an experience that I’ve never went through. I didn’t know how to take care of a woman who is pregnant. But coming here ja, then I was, I was aware of how to take care of a pregnant woman. They taught me how to take care of her emotions. And not to stress her, ja.” (10)
“I was short tempered with her at a point and then end up not picking up her phone calls cause I thought maybe she was making a fool out of me because she would make me leave the house like maybe at night and say her tummy is sore and that I must come rub it and then only to find that when I get there she’s fine and all she wants is to spend a bit of time with me at home.” (17)
Providing support during pregnancy
With regards to the support they provide their partner during pregnancy, some participants described in general terms, such as “supportive in every way, every way…just be there, be present, be supportive” (9), whereas others acknowledged that support has various components: “Be supportive, financially, emotionally, like always be there for both the mother and the child” (11), “I would advise them to be medically involved, emotionally involved, even financially involved” (6). Numerous participants acknowledged that support entailed being present and available for their partner, which also practically involved taking time off work, communicating regularly, attending check-ups and ultrasound scans. One participant mentioned supporting her participation in the trial.
“I did attend anti-natal visits. Each time she went for a scan or she went to the clinic I accompany her.” (2)
“I tried my utmost best to support her in any way I can because I’m always at work and the two days I get off I make sure that I’m with her and I try calling her from work so that she doesn’t feel unwanted or left alone during this whole thing of pregnancy you know, so I think I did my best to support her.” (15)
“she also told me that there’s this study from here and I said you know what let me support her because if I don’t support her it’s going to end up badly and we’ll blame each other, so I said no let me go and see for myself and then I became interested in how they do things here.” (8)
The provision of emotional and social support during pregnancy was frequently mentioned by participants, and this involved showing love, trying to relieve stress (or not cause stress), spending time together, and making sure their partner is happy and not upsetting her.
“what do fathers do ne, the father like during the pregnancy they must like take care of their girlfriends while they are pregnant, not arguing too much, each and every time you need to be calm because whatever argument you are having, it can affect the child.” (4)
“during pregnancy you need to calm down, you calm down because like your women she is going to go through like stress.” (10)
“But being there for her come, it gave her strength that through pregnancy, through the pains that she went through things became easier because I was there to encourage her and support… But being there for her come, it gave her strength that through pregnancy, through the pains that she went through things became easier because I was there to encourage her and support.” (7)
For some participants, showing support entailed providing the resources needed by their partner, such as financial resources, food, clothes, and blankets for the baby. There were other practical ways in which participants talked about showing support, such as helping her with whatever she needs, being involved in her pregnancy care, and making sure she is comfortable. For some participants, this practical support seemed to have a protective element in terms of reducing risks, and making sure their partner is receiving the care needed for her and the baby.
“so even when she wanted something I would buy it for her, sometimes we’d leave the house and go have fun at the malls.” (8)
“in terms of parenting or in terms of taking the child for immunisation what, what I feel like changing nappies aha bro this is a 50/50 thing. It is a 50/50 thing me sometimes I make it 60/40 thing you know because sometimes I feel that she is tired she has got stretched you know she has had enough you understand, she has been carrying my son for 9 months man, like that is the least that I can do change nappies.” (9)
“when she goes to the clinic uh like I used to get into the queue for her like early in the morning and then she’d join the queue during the day when I had already been in the queue, and just give her support for whatever she wants.” (13)
It was evident from some participants’ comments that there had been changes in the social and/or cultural expectations of fathers. Some of these related to cultural norms that influenced the involvement of the baby’s father, particularly if the couple have not gone through traditional rites around marriage.
“I can also include culture there to say most of us know that men don’t look after the child, a man doesn’t cook or do laundry; no that thing is no longer relevant; we are going 50/50 now guys.” (3)
“But [name] comes from a Venda and Sesotho family background. So, the cultural way they do clash but they are very routed in their African belief that if a man has not yet paid lobola cannot just come into the yard and go out what we call in our kasi lingo to come and ‘check’.” (6)
“It’s about culture the problem. She is a Pedi, I’m a Xhosa. Now the Pedi if are two girls because she is the last born, if they are the two girls from before her, their culture says the last born can’t get married before the others do. So, now that’s the problem that we are facing, and that is the challenge my family are saying as well that now should the last born wait for the other to get married or what.” (7)
A number of participants mentioned the COVID-19 pandemic in relation to barriers to providing support, as they mentioned that clinics did not allow partners to come in for consultations. Linked to this, one participants’ comment indicated that health facilities do not necessary encourage the presence of the father; another mentioned that he was not always able to go to these visits due to other commitments. Lack of financial resources as a result of un- or under-employment was another barrier to providing the type of support mentioned, which relates to concerns about being able to provide. This challenge extends beyond pregnancy, and is discussed further below.
“I accompany her, but since it’s been with Corona virus there is a lot of, also we are not allowed to go, she goes in alone. I take her there and when she is done she calls me and I fetch her.” (2)
“I’m a young guy, I’m not supposed to, I’ll rock up there and be like all nicely dressed up at the clinic because I love clothes; and they’d be like. What is happening with this guy you understand get different looks, but now I don’t care you understand, I’m here to get my child immunised and then go.” (9)
“maybe you find that sometimes I don’t have money, I had to hustle at home or tell my uncles that eish man this is the situation please can you borrow me money and then I’ll pay you back, and then you find that we don’t get it and then we end up trying loan sharks to borrow us even R50 so she can go to the clinic and get her check-ups done.” (8)
Challenges of fatherhood
For many participants, the challenging aspect of being a father related to having to provide financially, especially if they were not employed, and making their child their financial priority.
“Challenges of being a father my man is that you must hustle, you need to work for your child; not to say they shouldn’t go without but it shouldn’t be that every time the child needs something then we say we don’t have; you must try by all means to make sure the baby goes to bed fed; like now the challenge is that she’s ready to stop breastfeeding so the next challenge is the next step that she must get formula, that is a challenge you know, even having to dress the baby knowing that you don’t work, it’s a challenge.” (1)
“the most challenging part of being a father is okay, I check it from my friends, ja those ones who are not working right now, it’s like it’s a little bit tough because there is no like small income coming in, like let’s say maybe if you had a small shop or selling some things like they are depending on their family, like their uncles, you know.” (5)
At times, the prioritisation of their child appeared to come at the expense of their partner for some participants. For some, this was in terms of finances, whereas for others it was about time spent with their baby rather than their partner. However, one participant specifically mentioned this focus on his baby alongside ensuring that his partner was happy and provided for.
“It’s just fine because what I’m concentrating on is the baby, that is the very main concern, is my baby you understand…but now I just want us to focus on the baby to make sure that the baby is not short of anything…I just want us to focus on the baby and make sure that everything is fine for the baby. And as I said that she must be happy. I’m saying in such a way that I’m making sure that the child has everything, ja that she doesn’t have to struggle, and each and every time I have to phone, like you have to buy milk what, what you see that is what I’m saying.” (5)
Other challenges mentioned by participants included the high use of diapers, sleepless nights, concerns they have related to ensuring their child’s wellbeing, and not living with mother and hence not seeing their child every day.
“The most challenging part is the diapers…I’ve learned that a new born, eish she wastes diapers like nobody’s business hey.” (7)
“most challenging part is that I would say like at this stage where the child is a bit too small she can’t speak for herself…that can be quite challenging because you are not really sure what the problems is.” (18)
Roles of fathers
In terms of what participants perceived to be the roles of fathers, some articulated this from a broader perspective in terms of being responsible, using terms such as “man up”, “leaders in the house”, and “oversee”. Others referred to the necessary shift in their lifestyle and priorities in acknowledgement of this increased responsibility. A few participants saw this sense of responsibility in more practical terms, and saw their role as being hands-on and taking on some of the caregiving responsibilities in order to share these with their partner.
“I can just say since she told me that you know what she is pregnant, that is when I saw that you know what this is time now, that maybe we need to man up now. You are growing up now you are going to have a child, you need to start being responsible, to change lifestyle…I can say it’s nice being a father it is like, it’s giving you how can I put this, like to be responsible…I was a boy now I’m a man.” (5)
“I was someone that liked hanging out with the guys, you know like we’d go out with the guys and then it ended up with me saying guys things are going to change with me with a lot of things; I’m no longer going to gallivant around and play around because I now have two kids so I need to start looking out for things in the house and what is needed there you understand.” (13)
“Uh my role is the same as the mother it’s just that I don’t have a breast to breastfeed her but it’s all the same; I have to change diapers, carry the baby, go to clinics, each and every thing that the mother is supposed to do I’m supposed to do too, it’s not her responsibility alone it’s for both of us.” (12)
In terms of other more specific roles, it was clear from participants’ responses that there were many, and this included providing for their partner and child, which echoes to what was discussed earlier about provision as part of showing support, as well as some participants’ concerns about how they would be able to provide. Participants also talked about their role as a father as being supportive, active, present, involved, and taking care. A few participants mentioned their role of protector and guide for their children, and one participant acknowledged the sacrifices that they needed to make.
“…role as a father is to be there for the both of them, all the times, ja, like I feel like I had to be the first one even when the baby was born so I could see her, ja, support them, give them support all the times…My role as a father is to provide for the child, make sure the child is growing well, healthy and okay.” (16)
“Eish, a father’s role should be all those things, you need to be supporting and active; yes you need to be supportive and active like all the time….Even after she’s breastfed you need to take the baby and burp them, you know she needs to feel your comfort, the baby must feel that okay this is my father; because if you miss that stage, it’s over my man.” (1)
“Fathers should protect them and guide the kids as well and take care of them financially spoil when they are still small…support them in everything that they want to do but also guide them make sure it is the correct path that you can also see that something good that you want to go into. So, guidance should be the key role as well.” (18)
Some participants expanded on their description of what it meant to be a present and/or involved father, and their responses centred mainly around love and connection. Their descriptions included providing for their partner and child; being with their child when they are sick; spending time together; bonding with their child and getting to know them and they get to know you; being loyal, committed and loving to their partner and prioritizing her happiness; and showing love and respect for each other.
“….even when the child is sick, I am able to take a day off, I just call them at work and tell them that my child is not well, Because when my child do not feel well I also don’t feel well, the way I love my child.” (19)
“it means a lot like I need to be there for her during this whole process. I need to give her my support, she is not alone in this I’m with her. So, I need to show her that support to you know what we are together in this and we are going to make it.” (4)
On this topic of involvement of fathers, two participants commented on how not all fathers are given this opportunity, suggesting that partners (and/or their families) may be gatekeepers for fathers’ involvement in their children’s lives.
“I’ve discovered that many men are not there for their children of which I don’t blame them. I don’t know the conditions of them and everything. But that is what I’ve noticed that most women they go through pregnancy issues alone. At some point again we fathers as well we can’t bring men at all times, but even women sometimes they close channels for us to part take in the issue of pregnancy. Or in the issue of being there for our children. So, I think fathers should always be given that opportunity to take decision if they want to be there or not. Then it will make life easier.” (7)
Influences on views and motivation
Participants’ provided insight into what has influenced their views on fatherhood and their motivation to be present and involved in their children’s lives. For numerous participants, their positive views on fatherhood and roles stemmed from their own experience of growing up without a father (and sometimes mother), and not wanting their children to experience the same. Some of these participants specifically referred to the pain of this experience and the mistakes of their father, while for others this was more implied. One participant added that his Christian belief about the importance of family added to his motivation to be present for his children.
“I grew up without a mother and a father, my brothers raised me, they took me to school. So, I would like to see my children grow up with my own eyes.” (19)
“I grew up without a father actually, so I can say that it’s something that I told myself that I don’t want my child to experience the same things that I experienced so that is why I managed to make sure I’m always there for her.” (16)
Conversely, other participants were motivated by the positive role played by their father, who they felt was present, committed to their family, and provided for them. Participants also mentioned other men in their community, including other family members, being positive role models of fathers, or even being motivated by the positive portrayal of fatherhood in movies.
“I’m getting it [motivation] from my father. My father has been present for like I lost my mother when I was doing like grade 6. Ja, then my father was my sole like taking care of your children as he parented me…he cooked for me, he washed me, he bathed me. So, he taught me how to take care of a child, even now he is still teaching me as I’m a parent.” (10)
“so I have two cousins at home right, they love their children so much so, that I believe that I love my child the way they love their children, and it’s encouraging to see them enjoying the fact that they are fathers.” (15)
Participants’ responses suggest that there has been something of a generational shift in norms around fatherhood, and that being present and involved is more common in the current generation of fathers. However, the examples given above of good fathers in the previous generation, as well as participants comments about some men still abandoning their children suggest that norms around fatherhood are mixed and complicated in this context.
“none of them ran away from their babies, we’re always there and seeing another man doing what we’re doing motivates us, because we do it... even everybody in my neighbourhood they say you’re a great father because you are always there, you take the child to school and all that, so it teaches other guys what you’re supposed to do, ja… father’s side right he had other kids in Pretoria so my relationship with him wasn’t real or what because him and I saw each other every second or third time in a year; so we didn’t have much. So I didn’t want that to pass onto my kids, so that is why I give them the much love that my daddy didn’t give me, yeah.” (12)
“okay there is some fathers in our community but in the township honestly you don’t get that positive influence because most of the uncles there they are not there for their children you understand.” (9)