Exploring the meaning of FCR among cervical cancer survivors produced three central themes that are illustrated in Fig. 1.
Theme 1- " No longer resilient”- from relief from fear to fear for myself and my loved ones.
Interviewees described how cancer shattered the sense of resilience they had previously felt. However, some interviewees described that FCR and emotional reactions somewhat ameliorated over time. Some described more intense fear in the first year.
In the first year I met it [FCR] with every breath, today it is much better…. I had sores in the mouth and legs, just like a one-on-one childhood illness. (Interviewee 2).
Some interviewees felt that there was no guarantee, anyone could get cancer. Even though time had past since their initial diagnosis, even mild palpitations are immediately translated into a deadly disease. Interviewee 15 described the transition from the feeling of being healthy to a feeling of being a hypochondriac who is constantly concerned with her health.
I was an athletic girl and today it's hard for me. Maybe I'm scared too. I always knew I was a healthy woman, I never thought I would go through something like that. Today I'm scared, even if I catch cold, I'm scared. (Interviewee 15).
In addition, interviewees described difficulties in performing follow-up medical tests as it increases the tension and stress regarding the possibility of disease recurrence. Some expressed a desire to be closely monitored in order to know that there is no cancer in the body.
I have constant fears… I perform a CT scan every three to five months .... and then suddenly they tell me, 'You have something on your ribs.' ‘Did you break a rib?’ ‘But I did not break, …, they instilled in me the fear that maybe it came back somewhere else. (Interviewee 5).
.. I go with huge fear to follow-up tests…. Anxieties from here to there… the month that I'm waiting for PET CT and after that while I am waiting for the results, it takes seven years off of my life. (Interviewee 6).
The understanding and ensuing fear of a possibility that the disease would return was transferred to some of the interviewees non-verbally by the medical staff. These interviewees described a sense of deception and frustration.
"I was sure that when I finished the treatments that that’s it... no more.....After they took out my uterus I said to my doctors: ‘that’s it’? ‘I will not have it again, right?’ However, then I saw a discomfort in the doctor's body language, and I realized that it could also be caught on any other tissue " (Interviewee 9).
A common means for coping with fear of recurrence was taking antidepressants. Some described dependence on the drug and argued that without it, fears of the disease would surely have surfaced.
I just did a CT scan and it's clean and normal, but there was something in the thyroid that they saw which was abnormal…... if I was without an antidepressant, I would have been more anxious in general and in particular regarding the possibility of reoccurrence [of the disease] (Interviewee 7).
The perpetual fear has an existential effect even on the health of their loved ones. Interviewees described that each symptom and illness of their children caused alarm. Every pain, even mild and common, suggests potential cancer and the threat is unbearable.
I lost my medical confidence. Today I am anxious about everything. If my son has a leg pain, then a I immediately take him to a doctor because God knows what will happen. (Interviewee 15).
Theme 2- "To be afraid in two" - me and my partner in the shadow of fear of recurrence.
Coping with the fear of recurrence of the disease was described by some interviewees as couple coping, in which there was room for a dialogue about fears and concerns.
He was really stressed but he was also really supportive, there were also ups and downs but we talked about everything including fears and concerns.... However, there is no doubt that he is still afraid that there will be a second round of all this (Interviewee 12).
Interviewees described their partner’s resources that enabled them to cope with fear of recurrence. For example, the spouse’s internal resource of optimism enabled relief from fear of disease recurrence as described by Interviewee 8.
My husband is very optimistic, he really strengthens me, he constantly conveys that he is not afraid of anything. He keeps telling me that when we are together, nothing can beat us, and it works.
Indeed, another resource in a relationship that can alleviate fear is the feeling of togetherness. The spouse of Interviewee 4 gave her the feeling that she is not alone:
He always says, 'We go through this together.’ … if there was any small pain, he would say let's call to check, let's go to the doctor.
In contrast, some interviewees described how their partners did not allow communication about the disease and fears that accompanied the possibility of disease recurrence. They felt great frustration and loneliness at not being able to talk to them about the fears. Each was closed in his/her own feelings.
There is a fear that the disease will return… I am sure my husband is also afraid. But he does not talk about these feelings and I have a hard time with it. He leaves me alone. He shows no emotion, but he has that fear (Interviewee 11).
Theme 3 - Cancer equals death - "And what if the disease comes back and I will die?"
Some interviewees expressed the perception of the temporality and fragility of life in facing the possibility of recurrence of the disease. They feared and described their existential fear of dying from cancer. At the same time, some interviewees argued that although rationally they understood that the probability of dying from their disease was low, the fear remains.
I'm afraid to die if the cancer comes back...as if I have a limited time left to live... unfortunately today I know that you can die...on the other hand I understand that the probability that I will die from this cancer is relatively low ... rationally I understand and still when I think about it – I am afraid (Interviewee 1).
Another fear that some interviewees described is that if the disease returns, it will be more violent than before, and they will not be able to cope with it physically and mentally or survive it the next time.
I'm afraid to cope with the disease,... if the disease comes back again it will be fatal. It scares me (Interviewee 3).
The familiarity of some of the interviewees with recurrent cancer among people in their surrounding makes disease recurrence a real and stressful possibility. Interviewee 14 said that she is not afraid of harsh and exhausting treatments. The only thing she is afraid of is death.
The fear is not about treatment or further resection. No, no. The fear is of dying because cancer is equal to death ... what if I die of the disease….
The fear of dying was also expressed by close family members.
One day he suddenly woke me up at noon. He had tears in his eyes, ‘I love you’, he said. I asked him what happened? He told me that he thought I would die if the disease came back. We cried together (Interviewee 5).
The fear of death following the possibility of recurrence of the disease was described not only among interviewees' spouses but also among their children.
Mom could you die from cancer? My older daughter often asks (age 12). She says to me that it is impossible to live without a mother, children cannot live without a mother. I want to protect her so much... (Interviewee 6).
One of the children's ways to cope with fears that their mother’s disease would reoccur was through black humor as described by Interviewee 13.
Don’t ask what nickname one of the girls gave me, she calls me 'dying' (laughs). At first I was shocked but then I realized she had to channel her fears that the disease would reoccur (Interviewee 13).